I am South Korean. Our culture is marked by three echoes that underlie our interactions with each other: 감사합니다. 죄송합니다. 사랑합니다. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you.” We say thank you because we believe that there is much to be grateful for. We say I’m sorry because we can always do better and be better therefore it is our duty to find, in every situation, our faults and our own wrongdoings. And we say I love you because we, the small community that went through imperialistic colonization, unwanted wars, and much foreign intervention, must look out for each other. Even in tough times, I was raised to empathize with others and to try to see the good in people. A renowned poet and essayist in Korea, Jung Min Cho, says in his poem, Human Is Gift, that those three echoes “cause miracles,” but when we don’t use them, they “become difficult and uncomfortable to use.” When I moved to the U.S. as a young adult, I heard a different perspective. “Stop apologizing,” my peers and professors said to me. “As women, we’re socialized to reflexively apologize from a young age, sometimes simply for taking up space. It’s a habit that needs to change.” I understood what they were saying: As women, we shouldn’t have to apologize for existing — in any space — but at the same time, I wondered: Is the apology really the problem? Has saying sorry ever hurt someone, made someone feel excluded, or destroyed a community or relationship? While the topic is culturally nuanced, I do believe that having the courage and compassion to make a genuine apology is a distinctly noble quality, no matter your gender. Can you not think of a time when you wished someone would just say sorry? Have you experienced the healing an honest apology can bring? Apologizing is a complex and remarkable ability, one that requires deep reflection, self-awareness, empathy, and courage. Aren’t all those things we wish we saw more in the world today? Now, when I’m shut down for saying sorry, specifically for saying sorry because I’m a woman, I respond: “I don’t see my ability to apologize as a weakness. I think the world might be a kinder place if people learned from us—the women who are brave and skilled enough to say sorry.” I ask you to consider this point of view. Maybe it’s time more of us start apologizing—for the big and the little things—so there can be less heartache, more reconciliation, and quicker restoration. When you have to cancel last minute on a friend, say sorry so they know you care about and consider their time. When you talk over someone in a meeting, say sorry so they know you value their words and ideas. When you hurt someone’s feelings, even unintentionally, say sorry, because speaking the truth with compassion can help them understand where you’re coming from. You can both gain closure and move on. Kindness and compassion are not things to be ashamed of. As we move into the new year, I challenge us all to show more of them to ourselves, and to each other. The world will be better for it. Recommended Reads What a Real Apology Requires by Joseph Grenny #1 Genuine introspection. Empathy Rules by Sherry Turkle Real empathy starts with radical humility. How to Give a Meaningful Apology by Mark Goulston The three elements of a meaningful apology. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Self-Reflection by James R. Bailey and Scheherazade Rehman A part of giving a genuine apology is having the self-awareness to understand how your actions have impacted someone else. The Elements of a Good Apology by Sandra J. Sucher and Shalene Gupta Getting them wrong can make a bad situation worse. Like what you see? This article is adapted from our weekly newsletter.
